


Her Eyes are a River of Tears

by Kapua



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:12:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4393250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kapua/pseuds/Kapua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kind of angsty Beca/Chloe comfort fic. Sometimes what you shy away from is what you need the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When she started at Barden, Beca had absolutely no intentions of letting anyone get close to her. She was confident that she could get in and out without forming any meaningful connections, and then she could be on her merry way to L.A. to do what she loved. There was a tiny voice at the back of her head that begged for some sort of relationship beyond a casual acquaintance, but Beca stoically drowned it with heavy bass lines and soaring trebles.

She had made it this far on her own, and she would be damned if she started relying on other people now.

/\/\/\

The activities fair was a fluke. That was all there was to it.

Beca didn't care that her pulse had beat just a little bit faster at the sight of shining red hair and sparling blue eyes- it was a one time deal, and that was all, until- oh god the girl was in the shower with her, and there was no clothing, and Beca hadn't even realized that she had been singing Titanium in the first place. The girl was talking, but Beca didn't really hear much beyond when the redhead said her name was Chloe.

There was too much skin, and she couldn't focus damn it, especially not after Chloe waggled her eyebrows suggestively and laughed about how this song was her lady jam, if Beca knew what she meant. Beca started singing in part just hoping that Chloe would disappear, but then the other girl joined in and Beca felt like she'd had the wind knocked out of her at how amazing they sounded together.

It was a rush like she normally only got when she got a mix to fit just so, when everything lined up perfectly and just clicked. When she breathlessly finished the line, Chloe just grinned at her for a moment, and Beca could have sworn that blue eyes flicked down over her (embarrassingly half-covered) body for a split second before the redhead started spouting off about how she should join the Bellas.

Everything else was basically a blur, and Beca wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry when the redhead waltzed off with some random guy. The girl was clearly crazy, but Beca couldn't help the small smile that threatened to twitch at the corners of her lips as she thought again about shining blue eyes meeting her own.

/\/\/\

So.

She had joined the Bellas.

Whatever.

Not like it meant anything anyways.

Except maybe that was a tiny lie, because Chloe was in the Bellas, and rehearsal meant that Beca spent an inordinate amount of time with the older girl. When Beca had walked into the rehearsal space for the first time, Chloe had winked at her and said, "Now don't go singing any more of my lady jams or I might not be able to contain myself!"

Beca had thought she might combust. She was sure that she was blushing, and she had awkwardly coughed and scratched the back of her neck before looking away and sloughing over to a seat. Over the next several practices, Beca had watched with fascination how Chloe seemed to move through life. The redhead seemed so confident, so sure of herself, and her life was full of little touches, here and there, that were nearly bursting with sincerity.

Beca found herself wishing she knew how to be like that- not necessarily just like Chloe, because perky was not a word that would ever be able to describe Beca Mitchell, but sure of herself and comfortable in her own skin. That was something that Beca would never admit aloud, but there it was- she was completely ill at ease with herself.

Beca had grown up in a household where touching of any sort was infrequent. In fact, that was probably being a little too generous.

She never really had any sort of physical contact growing up, not a hug or a pat on the back or a kiss on the cheek- nothing.

Beca could clearly remember being five years old and so desperately wanting her parents to care enough about her to hug her, or do anything really, and so she would pretend to fall asleep on the couch. If she pretended extra hard, then her father would give up on trying to shake her awake, and he would lift her and carry her to bed.

Those few fleeting moments in her father's arms felt like flying, and Beca always wished for him to never put her down. She tried to memorize the feel of his arms around her, carrying her and keeping her safe, but she could never quite replicate the exact experience in her mind.

Her ploy eventually wore out, and by the time she was seven the charade was up. If she tried pretending to be asleep, either her parents got angry and yelled at her, or even worse they didn't care enough to try, and she would fall asleep waiting for them to notice her on the couch, waking up shivering the next morning with only a sore neck to show for her troubles.

After that, Beca had sought physical affection from any source that seemed likely to provide it. When she was thirteen, she discovered that, if she tried hard enough to look nice, there were plenty of people in the world who were more than willing to initiate physical contact with her. It never felt safe like she remembered her father's arms being, but she hoped that maybe if she tried hard enough eventually she would find someone able to give her that same sense of comfort.

When she was fourteen, though, Beca discovered for the first time that touch could hurt, that it could burn and twist and bite, and the knowledge almost broke her in half. She couldn't stand the thought of anyone else hurting her, and the potential safety and comfort that she so craved wasn't worth the risk any more. Beca closed herself off, training herself to flinch away from any overtures towards physical contact, and she perfected a glare that could get almost anyone to back off.

She went into survival mode, never once letting herself think that maybe what she really wanted (needed?) was someone to just hold her and keep her safe. It was too dangerous to open herself up and be vulnerable like that, and so teenage Beca swung to the exact opposite of her younger self, refusing any and all physical contact and affection.

Beca was able to lose herself in music, and it might have been a sad substitute, but it was all she had. If she closed her eyes, she could lose herself in a pounding bass line that felt almost like a physical caress and pretend that it was all she needed. She shoved any thoughts of it being pathetic out of her mind. Soaring trebles and thumping bass were the closest she could get to happiness, and Beca would take whatever she could get at that point. There was no fear of music hurting her, and so she latched onto it and it kept her barely afloat.

She was jaded and more than a little world-weary by the time she arrived at Barden, but Beca told herself that she was doing what she needed to in order to stay safe and keep from being hurt again. She could deal with the loneliness and exhausting vigilance- what she couldn't deal with was being hurt again.

But now, seeing Chloe….it made Beca wonder if there was a middle ground. The redhead was subtle about certain things, but she was clearly in control of the interactions she had with other people. Whether it was her initiating the touches or moving in a certain way that subconsciously dissuaded any attempts at physical contact, Chloe was the one who dictated who, when, and where she was touched.

That level of control sparked a longing in Beca. If she could be more like Chloe, then maybe…..maybe she wouldn't have to be so lonely all of the time.

No.

Beca angrily stamped down on that idea. She had been doing just fine before meeting Chloe, and she would continue to do just fine without changing anything. The redhead could be bubbly and cheerful and touchy-feely, but Beca wasn't interested in any of that shit. She railed at herself inside her head, angry reminders that she was only here temporarily, that she was going to get in and get out.

Slowly but surely, though, Beca found that Chloe was managing to slip in through the cracks in her armour. Beca couldn't bring herself to do anything but lean into the gentle touches the redhead occasionally initiated, and she gradually found herself looking forward to those brief moments.

Chloe was the exception to all of her rules, and Beca slowly grew accustomed to bending the rules for the older girl. There was just something about her…..Beca couldn't quite put her finger on it- wasn't sure she even wanted to- but it was there, and it seemed to be enough of a reason for Beca's body to betray her mind and star seeking out Chloe's affection.

By the time winter break rolled around, Beca had acknowledged that she might be fighting a losing battle if she wanted to keep Chloe out of her life, and the redhead seemed to have made it her personal mission to be by Beca's side at all times. Jesse consistently made snide comments about them, but Beca couldn't even bring herself to care. Chloe gave her something that nobody else seemed able to, and that was that.

/\/\/\

The night of the Bella's end-of-semester party, Beca told herself that she wouldn't get drunk. Five cups of rum and coke later, and she was feeling light and airy, like nothing could touch her. She went into the kitchen of the house to look for Chloe, and didn't pay much attention as a guy came in behind her. Aubrey and Chloe had a nice place, and she smiled as she noticed the little decorating touches that were obviously from one girl or the other.

Not seeing Chloe anywhere, Beca turned to leave and found her way blocked by the guy, who was leaning casually against the counter and watching her.

"Hey cutie," he grinned. "Want to have some fun?"

Beca flinched internally, feeling a tendril of fear start working its way into her stomach, but outwardly she shook her head and smirked. "Nah, not really my type."

She made a show of going to push past him, but he grabbed her arm and before she could do anything else his tongue was pushing into her mouth. Beca froze, eyes squeezing shut as memories of how situations like this usually ended flooded her mind, and a whimper of fear slipped out of her throat.

Chloe wandered into the kitchen, wondering where Beca had gone, and as soon as she stepped over the threshold she felt her mind go blank at the scene in front of her. Some asshole was grasping Beca by her shoulders, holding her in place as he rammed his tongue down her throat. Beca seemed to be in shock, her eyes squeezed tightly shut and her hands clenched into fists at her side.

Chloe didn't know how she made it across the kitchen so fast, but the next thing she knew she was shoving the guy away from Beca and pulling the smaller girl into her chest as she yelled at the guy to get away from her.

Beca was shaking, body still tense like she might bolt at any second, and Chloe quickly led her back to her bedroom. She pulled Beca to sit on the bed, looking worriedly at the brunette as she refused to make eye contact. Biting her lip and weighing her options, Chloe carefully reached out and gently cupper Beca's cheek in her palm, sighing inwardly with relief when Beca didn't flinch away.

Slowly, she coaxed the younger girl to look up and meet her eyes, and felt like crying when she saw the fear that still lingered in Beca's gaze.

"Shhh, sweetie, it's okay, it's just me," Chloe murmured, moving her other hand so that her fingers were laced with Beca's.

Beca blinked slowly as her eyes focused on Chloe's face, and all she could think was Chloe had saved her. Not caring about anything other than the safety Chloe could provide, Beca launched herself at the redhead, clinging to her tightly as tears started to flow down her cheeks.

Chloe felt wet tears hitting her collarbone and silently wished she could kill everyone who had ever hurt Beca, because she knew from personal experience that there was something that had to have happened before this, some hurt that had been brought back up by the asshole in the kitchen.

Chloe scooted back on her bed, tugging Beca with her until they were resting against the pillows. She wrapped her arms loosely around the brunette, not wanting to spook her, but Beca immediately molded herself to Chloe's body. Beca curled into Chloe's side, strangled sobs rising up in her and escaping from her mouth against her will. She never wanted to leave Chloe's embrace; it was the safest she'd felt in probably her entire life, and the feeling of the redhead's arms around her was soothing beyond belief.

Beca squeezed the older girl more tightly, trying to convince herself that this was real and Chloe wasn't about to disappear on her, that she was safe, and Chloe just kissed the top of her head and continued gently stroking her back. The sobs eventually died down to choked whimpers, and Beca felt her eyes slip closed from exhaustion.

Chloe watched the smaller girl carefully, and she felt like crying as she saw how Beca's fingers were hooked through the belt loop on her jeans in a subconscious attempt to keep her from leaving. The brunette's body was still gently shuddering from the earlier tears, and Chloe continued to gently trace patterns down Beca's back. It hurt her heart to see the younger girl so hurt and vulnerable.

Chloe had grown up in a family that was not too terribly different from Beca's, but in high school she had sought out as much touch as possible instead of closing herself off. Yes, she had gotten hurt, but the thought of being alone had been worse than any other pain. She had since learned how to set boundaries that were healthy and kept her in a better place, though she knew that most people would have found the idea of her having boundaries laughable.

It was different now- she was different now- regardless of what other people thought, and finding that happy and healthy balance between protecting herself and also satisfying her need for touch had made worlds of difference for her. Chloe ached to see Beca so upset and hurt. She just wanted to scoop the smaller girl up in her arms and protect her from anything that could possibly harm her, and she felt her arms tighten around Beca at the mere thought of someone hurting the other girl.

Exhaling slowly through pursed lips, Chloe frowned at her own actions. As much as she wanted to step in and rescue Beca, the brunette needed to want her to do it. There had to be some sort of invitation, some mutual or reciprocal desire made known, or else Chloe felt she would be taking advantage of the younger girl and forcing her own desires on her.

Chloe had been watching Beca just as closely as Beca had been watching her, and she could see that Beca was practically begging for someone who was safe and wouldn't hurt her. She wasn't blind- she had noticed how Beca leaned into her touches, and how the brunette had gradually let her hug her or hold her hand.

Little touches like that that were safe and didn't carry expectations of anything more could make all the difference in the world sometimes, and could help start to heal wounds that had been there for a lifetime.

Chloe could see Beca wanting more physical contact, more affection, but still being stuck unsure how to ask or express what she wanted. Chloe remembered what it was to be scared, to want things so desperately, with her entire being, but to watch them pass by just out of reach. Being able to articulate what she really wanted, even internally, had been a huge step for her. Being able to express what she did and didn't want with other people- well, that had been one of the hardest things she'd ever worked out, but it had also finally made her feel like she had some control over her life and her body.

Chloe wanted Beca to have that same security and confidence that what she was doing was what she wanted, and that meant not jumping in to save the day and coddle the brunette, or to tell her what she wanted.

Chloe felt a fierce swell of pride as Beca stirred and brown eyes blinked open blearily, squeezing the smaller girl and watching her wake up. She knew that it was likely going to take some time, but she also knew that Beca could do this.

Beca watched the play of emotions across Chloe's face and felt like she had missed something, but instead of asking, she just nuzzled closer, burying her face against Chloe's neck and inhaling the sweet smell of her shampoo mingled with a light perfume. Beca couldn't ever remember feeling as loved as she did wrapped up in Chloe's arms, and she paused as she took stock of the situation.

She had broken her cardinal rule and let someone get close to her.

She had also let someone witness her in one of her most vulnerable states, and on top of that she had let that same person touch her and hold her, and she was continuing to allow the connection.

Despite how many things were happening that Beca would normally never allow, somehow the fact that Chloe was the one pushing all of the boundaries made things okay. Beca didn't particularly want to stop and think about what that meant, so she forced her mind blank and just reveled in the warmth of Chloe's embrace, sighing contentedly into her neck. The redhead shivered underneath her, and Beca wondered if she might be cold, but after a moment the other girl settled back in, her warm breath ghosting across the top of Beca's head.

After a few more peaceful minutes, Beca felt Chloe shift, and a few seconds later a pair of lips barely grazed her ear, and Chloe murmured, "I think we should talk."

Everything in Beca tensed at those words, and she warred with her fight or flight instinct, but her desire not to leave Chloe won out over them both and she nodded quietly in defeat, breathing out a soft, "Okay," into the soft skin of Chloe's collarbone.


	2. Chapter 2

Beca didn't move from her position lying half on top of Chloe after agreeing to talk.

She felt safe, and if they were going to _talk_ then she would need every bit of safety and comfort she could get. She waited for Chloe to say something, to start bombarding her with intensely personal questions that she wasn't sure she could answer, but instead there was only silence. Chloe just kept rubbing small circles on her back, fingers tracing and pressing in ever so slightly, and when the redhead nuzzled into her hair and breathed in deeply before exhaling, Beca realized with a start what Chloe was doing. The older girl was waiting for her to talk- was letting her set the pace and decide what she wanted to say and when.

Beca felt like crying all over again as she realized that Chloe wasn't going to force her to do anything, even if it was something that seemed as harmless as talking. The thought made her wish there was some way to keep Chloe hers and only hers forever. Despite the fact that she was lying on the other girl, nearly the entire lengths of their bodies pressed together, Beca felt like she still couldn't get close enough to the other girl. She wanted to be on top of her, under her, around her, inside of her-

Whoa.

Beca cut herself off, not wanting to go down that path. Chloe was her friend, and an amazing one at that, and Beca would content herself with whatever Chloe would give her.

Chloe could tell that Beca was thinking about something, and was thinking about it seriously. The smaller girl had tensed ever so slightly and was trying to press even closer to Chloe's body, though Chloe was sure that the brunette didn't even realize she was doing it.

Beca realized that she was still laying there silently when Chloe gently moved her hand to the small of her back, bringing them just a tiny bit closer together. Humming slightly at how nice it felt, Beca sighed after a moment.

"Can you just….keep me safe?"

Flushing the second the words were out of her mouth, Beca immediately kicked herself for sounding so needy and asking something like that of Chloe. She waited for the inevitable laughter, but it never came. Instead, Chloe's hold on her just seemed to tighten protectively. When it became clear that Chloe wasn't going to ridicule her for such a ridiculous request, Beca tentatively kept talking, trying to explain herself to Chloe.

"When I'm with you," she whispered, "I feel safe. I feel like you'll protect me from the rest of the world, and it makes me less scared. Like maybe I can do this, I can have a life. Like maybe I'm not completely broken."

Beca bit her lip as Chloe shifted underneath her, sure that this was the moment where the redhead would shove her off and kick her out of the room, but Chloe just moved enough so that she could look Beca in the eye. She gently brought a hand up and brushed a stray strand of hair back from Beca's face, a fond smile teasing her lips before her eyes turned serious. "You're not broken, Beca. I'm not saying that you're flawless or anything, or even that you should be, but please don't ever think that you're broken."

Beca flushed, looking down, but found tender fingers lifting her chin so that she was staring into shining blue eyes once more. "What…." She started to say, then lost her nerve. Chloe waited patiently, and Beca found the courage to say what she was desperately wondering. "How can you know that? You don't even know me, Chloe, not really!"

Running a soothing thumb across Beca's cheek, Chloe nodded.

"I don't know you- not all of you at least. But," she continued, "what I do know is that you've been able to make it this far on your own. I don't know everything you've been through, but what little I do know….it already tells me that you are amazing, and so incredibly strong."

Beca tried to interrupt, but Chloe gently pressed a finger to her lips. "Let me finish, Beca. I'm not saying you haven't been hurt, and if you see yourself as broken, then that's okay for now. I just want you to know that when I look at you, I see an incredible person who's fought to be where she is now. You might have had your heart broken and beaten, but you've stitched it back together, and I don't think that makes you broken. I think it makes you strong."

Beca laid there in silence, dropping her head down to rest on Chloe's chest again, and tried to think of how to respond to what the older girl was saying. Nobody had ever said anything like this to her before, and it was beyond disorienting. After thinking for another minute, Beca came up with a single question that was more pressing than all the others. Pushing herself up on one elbow so she could see Chloe's face, Beca quietly asked, "How can you have so much faith in me when I don't even have any in myself?"

Looking down for a beat, she made herself look back up before she could chicken out entirely. "I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have the kind of faith that you do, in myself or anything else. I just…I don't even know what that would look like. I've never been that person, never really _believed_ in someone or something like that…"

"You believe in music," Chloe whispered, a statement not a question.

Nodding, Beca looked at her seriously before murmuring, "And I think I might be learning to believe in you, too."

Quickly continuing before Chloe could respond to that, she said, "But in myself? I just…..I don't know. I can't, Chloe."

Leaning up a little so that her forehead was pressed against Beca's, Chloe gave her a little half smile. "That's why you have me. So I can believe in you enough for the both of us. And one of these days, I don't know when but _someday_ , you won't need me to have faith in you anymore, because you'll have faith in yourself."

The moment was intimate- incredibly so, and tears rose in Beca's eyes. Blinking quickly, she tried to stop them, but Chloe wrapped her arms back around Beca's torso and quietly said, "It's okay to cry, Beca. Sometimes it's even good, you know?"

Inhaling deeply, Beca nodded quickly against Chloe's shoulder. "But not right now," she whispered, "Right now I just want to stay here with you and not be sad." Pushing up, she looked uncertainly at Chloe for a second before impulsively leaning in and kissing her softly on her cheek, lips barely brushing the corner of Chloe's mouth. The sensation caused butterflies to erupt in her stomach, and she looked at Chloe hesitantly, hoping that what she had done was okay. There was a brief look of _something_ that flashed across Chloe's face, but then she was smiling fondly at Beca. "Go to sleep, Beca," she whispered, "We can make pancakes or something in the morning if you want."

Gratefully accepting the move towards levity, Beca collapsed back down against Chloe, cuddling in against her side. "Blueberry pancakes?" she asked teasingly.

"If you want," Chloe replied softly.

"Mmkay. Good," Beca mumbled, already half asleep.

Chloe pressed a soft kiss to the top of the other girl's head, stifling her giggle at Beca's half-coherent mumbling. Relaxing back into her pillows, the redhead exhaled slowly. Beca's kiss had caught her off guard, and she had barely been able to keep from turning her head ever-so-slightly so that their lips would have connected full-on. This was Beca's game, and therefore Beca's rules. Chloe refused to push for anything unless Beca initiated it, and even then she was hesitant. There was already a level of intimacy between them, sure, but crossing the line from friends into lovers would complicate things, and Chloe really just wanted to make Beca's life as non-complicated as possible. The girl had enough on her plate already without having to worry about Chloe wanting a relationship, and so unless Beca was the one to initiate things, Chloe would force herself to behave.

Beca was worth every moment of unfulfilled desire and more, and as she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, Chloe found only images of soft hazel eyes and sweetly-scented brunette hair behind her eyelids.

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

Chloe couldn't help the small smile as Beca played with her fingers, trying to pay attention to what Aubrey was saying.

The brunette had become far more comfortable with touching Chloe since the night of the party, and the older girl relished the sign that Beca was starting to trust her more. The touches were small; fingertips grazing as they walked next to each other, subtly leaning against the redhead when they were seated together, a hand on the small of her back when they moved around each other at practices.

They were small, but they were kind of everything and Chloe clung to them with the hope that they represented Beca finally beginning to settle into herself. There were other minute changes in the younger girl and how she carried herself too- she held eye contact for a few seconds instead of immediately looking to the ground now, and her posture had changed from being constantly curled in on herself, as if expecting a blow at any minute, to slightly straighter. And when she did falter, hesitating when asked a question, or maybe not wanting to do something social with the other girls out of fear that she would be awkward and uncomfortable, Chloe was there to reassure her with light touches and tender smiles.

Knowing that Chloe _believed_ in her, and seeing the redhead willingly prove it to her time and again, was new for Beca, and sometimes strange, but in the best way possible, because the way Chloe's eyes seemed to soften every time their gazes met? It was kind of perfect and made Beca feel weirdly giddy inside that the emotion there, the blatant affection, was for her.

She had never before contemplated that maybe caring for someone else could show up in a wicked grin, the brush of a thumb across the back of her hand, or the feel of arms wrapping her up in a haze of safety and comfort. Beca was hesitant to call it love, because that was kind of a huge word and she didn't throw it around lightly, but she was running out of reasons to avoid using that particular word.

Growing up, she had thought that love meant sacrifice. Sacrifice had been the only language she had to show that she cared about someone.

Sometimes it was small things, like sacrificing your favorite meal so that the other person could have what _they_ wanted instead, or pretending not to have an opinion about things so that the other person could have their way and do what made _them_ happy.

Sometimes it was bigger things, like the time a thirteen-year-old Beca was at a party and things got out of hand and she found herself alone in a room with a guy who had a mean glint in his eye, and an older girl- Amber- who had become kind of like a sister to Beca opened the door and told the guy he didn't really want Beca, he wanted someone with more… _experience_. And as the other girl had pushed Beca out of the room, Beca had caught the shine of tears in her eyes before the door was shut in her face, and the next time she saw Amber she almost didn't recognize her because her face was so swollen and bruised.

And Beca had thought about how Amber had _sacrificed_ herself, offering up her own body to protect Beca's, and she thought that sacrifice like that had to be the ultimate way of showing that you loved somebody. It seemed pretty clear-cut back then; if you really loved someone, you had to give up pieces of who you were, bits of your thoughts and dreams, and sometimes you had to give your actual _self_ if the situation was bad enough.

The first time she had a crush on someone, though she didn't even fully recognize it as that at the time, she spent hours imagining scenarios in which the other person- their name had been Morgan- was in danger, and Beca had to sweep in and jump in front of a bullet, or let the kidnapper take her instead. All of her elaborate scenarios ended with Morgan looking at her as she lay dying, or was being carried off by a mad man, and _knowing_ that Beca loved her.

In Beca's mind, a bigger sacrifice meant a bigger love, and so if she was willing to sacrifice _everything_ then Morgan would _have_ to know how Beca felt. If you really loved someone, then you had to be willing to give up anything and everything at a moment's notice to prove it.

She had never _dreamed_ that there might be another way of going about things, until Chloe came along and started disproving her previously-neat theory, dismantling it slowly but surely.

Chloe didn't ask her to ignore or give up the things that defined her; in fact, the redhead was fiercely protective of the things Beca was passionate about. Chloe encouraged her to speak her mind, to think about difficult questions and then be honest about the conclusions she came to. The redhead was constantly questioning, seemingly seeking to better understand Beca and where she was coming from, and in turn giving the brunette the opportunity to voice her opinions.

That wasn't to say that Chloe didn't share her own thoughts, or that she agreed with Beca about everything.

It was just….with Chloe, there seemed to be enough space for both of them to exist simultaneously as complete individuals and as a pair, and Beca wondered if maybe that wasn't better. To be whole and still loved, and conversely to love the whole of someone else, all while still being able to be together….not that she and Chloe were _together_ , at least not in any romantic sense of the word, but the general principle, even in friendship, was remarkable to Beca.

Blushing a bit at the thought of a relationship with the redhead, she caught Chloe watching her curiously from the corner of her eye and ducked her head in embarrassment. The other girl turned her hand over in Beca's and stroked her fingers soothingly, not sure what had caused the brunette to look away but intrigued nonetheless. Beca glanced up and caught Chloe's eye, the corners of her lips lifting slightly to reassure the other girl that nothing was wrong before mouthing "Later."

The memory of brushing her lips against the corner of Chloe's mouth was still all too vivid, although not in an unpleasant way. It was just that Beca honestly had no idea if Chloe was even into girls, or if she would ever consider a relationship with Beca in the first place. The younger girl certainly wasn't opposed to the idea, but she was nervous. It felt like she still had so much to learn, so much to grow before she would ever be able to keep up with Chloe.

If she did this, she wanted to do it right, for both their sakes. Chloe deserved someone who could love her, and in a healthy way, and Beca was starting to think that maybe she deserved both to be able to give that to someone else and also to receive it. She owed it to herself to work through more of her shit before dragging anyone else into a romantic relationship with her…but that didn't mean she was immune to Chloe's charms or was able to prevent her mind from dreaming about what it _would_ be like.

Aubrey clapping her hands drew Beca out of her thoughts, and she blinked as she realized that practice was over. Chloe stood and Beca reluctantly disentangled their fingers before stretching and reaching around to grab her book bag. She was covering a shift at the radio station for someone and had to walk to the opposite side of campus, which meant she needed to get moving if she didn't want to be late and have to deal with Luke bitching her out.

Giggling as Beca wiggled her fingers at her in a half-wave before backing out the door, Chloe suddenly remembered that she forgot to tell Beca about the team-bonding activity for the weekend and ran out the door after her. "Beca!" She yelled, almost laughing as the brunette spun around and faced her in confusion. "Team movie night at mine and Aubrey's tomorrow night, be there yeah?"

Smiling, Beca feigned irritation but nodded, her eyes full of laughter as Chloe grinned and ducked back inside.

Aubrey almost sighed as she saw her best friend come back inside with a stupidly large smile on her face. The rest of the team had already left, so she decided to cut to the chase and asked, "What's going on wit you and Beca?"

"Wha- Nothing is going on with us, Aubrey," Chloe replied, startled at the sudden question.

Watching her friend carefully, the blonde cautiously stated, "But you wish something was."

Looking up at Aubrey nervously, Chloe bit her lip before hesitantly nodding. Aubrey was her best friend, and the other girl would know in a heartbeat if she tried to lie about something like this. Seeing the way Chloe was eyeing her, Aubrey felt a pang as she realized that Chloe was scared of how she was going to react. Opening her arms and muttering, "Get over here," she felt the air leave her lungs as Chloe all but tackled her, squeezing her tightly.

Exhaling slowly, she hugged Chloe, trying to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about. A few seconds later Chloe pulled back and mock-glared at Aubrey, slightly confused. "But you hate Beca."

Smirking, Aubrey nodded. "Sure. How could I not, with those awful _things_ stuck in her ears?"

Poking the blonde in the arm for her comment, Chloe squinted up at her suspiciously. "For supposedly hating her, you're remarkably okay with this."

Sighing and letting her smirk fade into a more sincere smile, Aubrey shrugged lightly. "As much as it pains me to see you two all over each other, and as much as I wish you could have found someone more…. _agreeable_ , she makes you happy. You know that's all I really want, Chlo."

Burying her face in Aubrey's neck, Chloe sniffled a little as she hugged Aubrey to her again. She didn't know what she would have done if Aubrey had hated her for liking Beca. The blonde had known that Chloe liked girls for a while, courtesy of walking in on the redhead with one sophomore year, but Chloe hadn't known how the older girl would react to her liking _this_ girl. Knowing that Aubrey wasn't upset with her was a weight off her shoulders, and she mumbled a thank you into the blonde's skin as a wave of relief swept over her.

Kissing the top of Chloe's head before pulling back, Aubrey tugged the redhead over to sit up against the wall with her, smiling as Chloe immediately laced their fingers and leaned her head on Aubrey's shoulder. She had watched their freshman year as Chloe had fallen apart trying to figure out how to navigate the world, and had helped her figure out what pieces of her old self she wanted to keep when Chloe had crawled into bed with her one night and told her that she wanted- _needed_ \- to change.

She had been secretly happy that the redhead's tactile nature had remained unaffected, at least between the two of them. She had always found Chloe's desire for physical contact to be endearing, and displays like her current one made her want to coo at how adorable the smaller girl could be.

"So," Aubrey asked once they were both settled, "If you like her that much then why aren't you with her yet?"

"She's….well, she's kind of like I was our first year, Bree." Chloe said softly, trying to figure out how to explain it to Aubrey. "She's just starting to figure things out, and I don't want to risk rushing her in to anything. I would never forgive myself if she felt like I took advantage of her trust to push her into something she wasn't ready for."

Nodding at the redhead's words, Aubrey thought for a moment before saying, "Are you just waiting for her to make the first move then? Because that's not entirely fair either."

"But-" Chloe started to protest before cutting herself off as Aubrey shot her a look.

"You know it's not fair to her if you put all of the responsibility on her, Chlo. And it's not fair for you either to play the martyr and ignore what you want completely just because you're worried about her." Squeezing Chloe's hand to take some of the sting out of her words, Aubrey continued, "I'm not saying you need to jump into bed with her Chloe. I think everything you mentioned is important to take into consideration, but I don't want you to hide behind that either. You need to think about finding more of a balance between respecting her and not treating her like she's about to break. Beca's an adult, Chlo, she's perfectly capable of making her own choices about these types of things."

Chloe bit her lip, tears filling her eyes as a bolt of vulnerability struck her. Not looking at Aubrey, she murmured, "But what do I do if she doesn't choose _me_ , Bree?"

Shifting so she could wrap an arm around Chloe and pull her more firmly against her side, Aubrey waited for a moment before quietly saying, "Then we figure out how to move forward from there. But trust me, Chloe, the way she looks at you sometimes…it's like she never wants you to be anywhere other than next to her. It's sickeningly sweet."

Laughing a little even through her tears as Aubrey grumbled the last bit, Chloe nodded hesitantly. Maybe the blonde was right. Snuggling into Aubrey's side, Chloe sighed. She was still worried and didn't see herself jumping to start anything with Beca in the near future, but Aubrey's words reminded her that she needed to trust Beca to know what she wanted.

She just hoped that what Beca wanted….was her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to work on finishing this one up, I think....but let me know what you think in the meantime!

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. Super fast and messy, but I just love this ship. They kill me. Seriously.


End file.
